![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
the modern love column + Copenhagen
Jul. 9th, 2023 11:39 pmSean had us read Stuart Dybeck's Pet Milk back in winter. By this point of the year I, fed up with reading-heavy course loads and further upset that Pet Milk in fact had nothing to do with anthropomorphic or domesticated milk, was not expecting much from the story. And for the most part I would be validated in this presumption. Dybeck and I clearly existed in firmly separate realms. I read his experience and that was that.
Days later, surprisingly, I had transformed: I could not stop thinking Pet Milk.
A couple paragraphs into describing his then-girlfriend, Dybeck says that "it was the first time I'd ever had the feeling of missing someone I was still with."
That line started to really gut me.
I spent a lot of wintersession moping in bed and thinking about the winter malaise, my friends down the hill, my partner, the cold, the far-impending summer, and genuinely wishing I had never read that wretched sentence. Dybeck had vocalized that sticky feeling I had labelled greediness and insecurity, the feeling I chased away whenever there was a mention of a year abroad or post-graduate plans or rent money or long term employment. Now there were words for that sadness and I could not forget them.
I'm a squeezer. I need to hold tight onto things and see for myself that every last drop has been used up until I can let them go. It's not a good thing, I know.
Recently I've been working on this tendency under the mantra of Irregardless, the time will pass. I'm hoping it'll help me avoid the disastrous overthinking I do a lot. I never used to think super long term so I don't think I've quite understood how to balance it with the present. I usually just end up freaking myself out about scenarios that would only ever happen because my fear propels me into action and them into existence.
I'm thinking now about the word "still". Still with, still here, still? Still doing that? I think I'm just scared of being reduced to my stubbornness and, I don't know, stuckness.
It's just hard to move on when it feels too early to do so. I hate knowing an end is near but having to just cope with it in sight. Should I try harder to savor it or start mourning? Can these things coexist?
Oh fuck I forgot to talk about the Modern Love column. Got too wrapped up in the whole other complaining thing. I don't even remember what I was going to say about it. Oh well. I'm lucky to be experiencing my own modern love! So glad to be born in this time period. Aden if you're seeing this at any point I hope your day (night?) is going well.
Days later, surprisingly, I had transformed: I could not stop thinking Pet Milk.
A couple paragraphs into describing his then-girlfriend, Dybeck says that "it was the first time I'd ever had the feeling of missing someone I was still with."
That line started to really gut me.
I spent a lot of wintersession moping in bed and thinking about the winter malaise, my friends down the hill, my partner, the cold, the far-impending summer, and genuinely wishing I had never read that wretched sentence. Dybeck had vocalized that sticky feeling I had labelled greediness and insecurity, the feeling I chased away whenever there was a mention of a year abroad or post-graduate plans or rent money or long term employment. Now there were words for that sadness and I could not forget them.
I'm a squeezer. I need to hold tight onto things and see for myself that every last drop has been used up until I can let them go. It's not a good thing, I know.
Recently I've been working on this tendency under the mantra of Irregardless, the time will pass. I'm hoping it'll help me avoid the disastrous overthinking I do a lot. I never used to think super long term so I don't think I've quite understood how to balance it with the present. I usually just end up freaking myself out about scenarios that would only ever happen because my fear propels me into action and them into existence.
I'm thinking now about the word "still". Still with, still here, still? Still doing that? I think I'm just scared of being reduced to my stubbornness and, I don't know, stuckness.
It's just hard to move on when it feels too early to do so. I hate knowing an end is near but having to just cope with it in sight. Should I try harder to savor it or start mourning? Can these things coexist?
Oh fuck I forgot to talk about the Modern Love column. Got too wrapped up in the whole other complaining thing. I don't even remember what I was going to say about it. Oh well. I'm lucky to be experiencing my own modern love! So glad to be born in this time period. Aden if you're seeing this at any point I hope your day (night?) is going well.
