fuckatherine

THE GIRL

Before she was a bird she was dead

and before she was dead she was a

girl.

He named her Nüwa.

Nü…

a jammed sticky sound, dips like a curtsey

Meaning girl, female, woman. Past, present, future.

…wa.

cut off croak Meaning frog

together meaning Girl-beast. What more is there to say after?

So Nüwa lived her days a girl who wore girl things who did girl things with a girl name until

she realized she could not be a girl or a girl-beast any longer.

She could not be either at all.

Walking into the ocean, she thought, I would much rather be just a beast.

And here the split occurred. Nüwa kept walking down into the ocean (drowning, her father said), and Jingwei flew out of it.

THE BIRD

They call me by my call now. Jiiiing.

Took my strange vowels, made them strong. Wei!

I forged a hooked beak. Glorious wings that push earth. I don’t fly, the world around me falls.

Jiiiiiiiiing wei! See how far that carries.

I carry my voice. I carry my sticks. But mostly I carry rocks: pebbles quartzsplinters magma-kernels

to throw into the sea.

Each rock displaces a rock amount of water, adds a rock amount of land. Eventually if I drop an ocean amount of rocks there will be an ocean amount of land and there will be the girl sitting.

But that will take a long time. For now there’s nothing to land on but big blue, deep salt. Just me and what took her. Could take me too.

If the girl rose from the sea I could land on her arm. Alternatively, if I stopped

Fell, ocean-embraced

I could still land in her arms.

JINGWEI IN SEARCH OF NÜWA

I wonder what my girl body is doing below the surface. I wonder if every time I drop my rock

she just so happens to be dropping one as well so that

the two stones meet in the middle

push the sea out on each side

Funny apple core of water

I wonder if she looks beneath her feet and is amused Smiles

I didn’t know that there were fish that looked like birds. Or

I didn’t know that there were birds that flew underwater.

And maybe she stands there, dropping more stones trying to lure the fishbird birdfish to the surface

See if it exists.

In that world she walks on water. In this one I walk on air.

If only I too walked on water here. Then none of this would have ever happened. We could have stayed one.

I can’t tell if the ocean has gotten any smaller.

I wonder if I will see her again.

THE FATHER’S TESTIMONY

Listen, okay.

I love. Loved my daughter. But she didn’t listen much.

Idle minded. Careless. I had to remind her of things every day.

Especially about that damn water. It’s too rough for little girls to swim in.

And it’s too cold! Ever been there in May?

No I don

Frigid! Do you know how long it took to get out there and search for her?

Whole fucking boat motor jammed. Wasn’t cheap either.

Damn.

I loved my daughter. She just liked to overcomplicate things.

What about Jingwei?

Who?

The bird.

That’s a bird.

But it’s also her.

How could I have raised a girl into a bird?

Okay, okay.

Have you tried apologizing?

There’s only so much I can do in the face of God.

But you are G

Listen.

THE SEA IN BETWEEN

Before she was a bird she was dead

and before she was dead she was a

girl.

She cried the whole way down. She did!

Fat tears of jubilation that melted

immediately into the current, the same current that

licks at the talons of the fishbird birdfish girlbird stonethrower at high tide.

Turns out the sea was not in fact shrinking. The bird was just flying higher.

And from here the bird can see little minutiae with big eyes like

how the gulf hugs the inlet

how the waves now seem all kitten-lappy How at times the surface breaks

and shimmers as if there are shoals of fish roiling beneath

As if some beast is settling in, shifting, nesting.