fuckatherine

April arrives in a flurry of unabashed and unconcerned rain storms. I'm not quite under the weather, but I'm fighting. I'm also rotting. As much as I hate that word, there is no other way to put it. Bruises all up my shin, red marks settling in my shoulder, a long tear down my calf, scrapes galore. The palette of hurt deepens. But I heal nevertheless. The glory of the body! It's not all bad, though. I think? I don't have the time to assess what exactly it is.

I LOVE YOU I LOVE
YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU
I LOVE YOU I LOVE

Current Mood: tired
Current Music: All is Full of Love / Björk

This word "deserve," it follows me. My specter of hesitation, burden of uncertainty. Is there something inherently wrong with me? I need someone to tell me if it's me. It doesn't matter, I'm sick of it, it's not a big deal, I want to stop thinking about it, get over it, the weather is so nice, I am always thinking about it, it doesn't matter, I don't believe you, it doesn't matter, the sun is out, it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter.

What do I even deserve? If I get what I "deserve" will it even be what I want?

At this point I don't even care if it's a rude awakening. I just want something.

WHY AM I ALWAYS
THE ONE GETTING OVER IT?
WHY CAN'T I WANT, TOO?

Current Mood: pessimistic
Current Music: Catalina Fight Song / Joyce Manor

New month—should I make some changes? For one, stop overusing this emdash. Can I speak with certainty this cycle around? Will the equinox bring me fortitude? I guess we'll see. Much to look forward to this month, I suppose. Let's pray that tomorrow's Katherine manages to strike the balance.

FELL ASLEEP LIGHTS ON,
WOKE UP LIGHTS OFF. DID THE WORLD
END WHILE I WAS GONE?

Current Mood: groggy
Current Music: I Hate the Flowers / Nothing

It's getting scary. The pressure of time begins to creep down. Is it worse that I know how long I have? The calendar on my wall is sad right now. Empty. And the sheets in my planner are sad right now. Full. I want things to work so, so bad. I need to work again, soon. Now is not the time for fun. But then when do I get to play, in this body and as the person I am right now, ever again? The work will get done. Soon. But will it be good enough?

I FEEL IT COMING.
PRAIRE STORM, DUSTBOWL SIREN.
DO I RUN OR STAY?

Current Mood: nervous
Current Music: Tommy Dread / Lomelda

This past weekend was historically ridiculous. Going to do something impulsive now—never sure if it's a healthy dose of spontaneity or a well constructed umbrella for self injury. Who cares—I'm going to get my nipple (singular) pierced anyway.

DARE FRAME THY FEARFUL
SYMMETRY—MESSAGES FROM
THINE PAST, DECEIVERS.

Current Mood: distressed
Current Music: Fuck and Run / Liz Phair

Mairéad rhymes with parade. But please, don't spell it like that. I've missed writing, missed the classroom. I can tell this will be good—collecting great phrases from the syllabus already. I am falling back into place.

ABSENTEEISM.
PULSE IS THE BEAST. GUARD AGAINST
SPILLAGES. RUBY.

Current Mood: content
Current Music: 12/11/17/Worst Party Ever

Spying on Alex. He's written "THINGS I GET TO DO THIS WEEK" in scrawling letters on the center of his sketchbook page. It makes sense that he would say that, I think. I am acutely aware that we have very different world views. He's like Lillyanne: they make me want to be more moral people. I think it's a good outlook, though. Life is laborious, sure, but I'm grateful for it. Mostly.

VOICE AHEAD DRONES ON.
I SLIDE MY TEETH AROUND. SORE.
WAITING. ALL WILL PASS.

Current Mood: awake
Current Music: Hyperballad / Björk

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